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Is Honolulu Blue the New Browns

by Coach Fah Nassar

The Browns…

The awful, awful Browns…

Let’s talk about it for a moment, shall we. Owner, Art Modell (yes, that Modells guy) decides to sell the team (probably because his sports clothes superstores aren’t faring well) to Baltimore (I can only hear Claire Huxtable say Ball-Ti-MoRE sans the Big Fun episode).

Four years later, the Browns are back. Albeit expansion team status. A.k.a they will suck. My belief is they got hit with the Philadelphia curse of William Penn because after Art’s betrayal, the once-beloved Browns were stink and poo-poo city.

Dating back to the in 1999 to 2011 they have had five head coaches in twelve years. Think that is tough, just wait. In the next ten years to current times, they have had an additional seven coaches to include the present (Head coaches since 2011: Pat Shurmur 11-12; Rob Chudzinski- 13; Mike Pettine- 13-14; Hue Jackson 16-18; Gregg Williams 18; Freddie Kitchen-19; Kevin Stefanski 20-Present).

For comparison sake, Bill Belichick has been the ONLY person to coach the Patriots since he took over in 2000 to present.

The Browns may have Football Voodoo to contend with, but it seems like they are coming out of the Karma-plague and entering a nice place in football… consistent winning.

And with them finally on the winning turn of things let us take a look at a franchise that has been hiding in the weeds behind the lowly Browns, sucking nearly just as badly but with way less fanfare. Am I talking about the Jaguars (who will probably hire a new head coach this offseason)? No! Am I talking about the Bengals (whose quarterback just threw 3 INTs in 1 game)? No! Am I talking about the Jets? (Wilson threw 4 picks that day; Butt Fumble; Coke Eyed Gase) believe it or not, no! At least they have been to an AFC title game in the last twenty years.

I am talking about Hall-Of-Fame producing but no winning equals hall of Fame early retirements. You guessed it, the Honolulu Blues themselves, the Detroit Lions. They have been to the playoffs 3 times since 2007 (when Calvin was drafted) and were bounced out of the wildcard game each time.

These were their actual records from 2008: 2008 went 0-16. 2009 went 2-14 2010- 6-10 2011- 10-6- Wildcard-Lost 2012-4-12, 2013-7-9, 2014-11-5; 2015-7-9; 2016- 9-7; 2017 9-7; 2018 6-10 2019 3-12, 2020 5-11.

They have had 2, count them 2 Hall of Fame players (Barry Sanders, Calvin Johnson) retire early because they were loyal but saw no bright championship futures. The saddest part of that is one of the players was only drafted in 2007. He retired in 2015. He could not even give the ten years that Barry sanders gave the franchise. They beat him down physically and mentally.

They did the same to their tough, athletic draft pick from 2009, in Matt Stafford, who left the team after last season. Stafford was beat down physically and still gave of himself to try to win games for them. After Johnson retires in 2015, how do they help grow the roster? By doing a most Brownsian thing. They hired and fired at least 5 head coaches (Jim Caldwell, Matt Patricia, Darell Bevell and Robert Prince were both 2020) Now, they have hired Dan Atta Baby’ aka ‘The Dude’ Campbell to lead a Matt Stafford less team to the promise land.

Last night the Lions played against a beatable Packers team with a half-tuned out Aaron Rogers. The Lions scored seventeen points in the first half. Zero points in the second half. They went for it instead of kicking field goals. They throw the ball on 4th and 1. To me, that was Brownsian play-calling.

Their big off-season quarterback acquisition was a player that the Rams were desperate to rid themselves of. If that isn’t a Brownsian thing to do I don’t know what is, (and I do).

I am sure the fans of Detroit are not ecstatic with the current result, but like I, they are probably out of answers on how to fix the issue. Because how do you fix a team that doesn’t seem like they actually want to win. The Lions have been in the Ford family since 1963. It is still in the Ford family hands. I would imagine they have enough money to hire top talent. So why don’t they? Could it be the general managers? Or something else?

While a winning recipe is not an easy concoction, there are plenty of teams that make the right changes/additions for success. If Matt Stafford becomes a Hall-Of-Famer, he would be the 3rd one Detroit has disappointed.

So Detroit, do you like being the browns? Because right today, you are.

Atta baby!

Axle Foley looking up at Inspector Todd being all mad in heaven.

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